The Top Five Regrets of The Dying
This post is a little longer than my typical post but I believe this is a deep subject that we all can relate to. Its important to think about if we want to live life to the fullest.
The top five regrets were complied by Bronnie Ware In her book “Top five regrets of the dying”
1. I wish I would have had the courage to live true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
Let me ask you, are you living the life of your dreams? Honestly, do you have the career that gives you a real sense of fulfillment? Do you wake up in the morning with out an alarm clock and just can’t wait to get working? If income were no issue, you had no fear of failing, or no fear of what your friends and family would think of you, what would you do?Interesting that this is the number one regret of those on their deathbed. While I clearly understand why this would be number one. I take issue with the logic. Hard to argue with someone dying with very little time left but here I go. I believe not living to our true selves, or our true calling is a reality for most people. Have you ever asked yourself, there’s has got to be more to life than this? There is a fundamental hunger to do more, be more, and achieve more, to be significant.
Then why is it that many of us get in the car each morning, wrestle with rush hour traffic and go to a job we can’t stand? Why are we staying in this bad relationship? Why is it that some of us know what we really would like to do or create but we don’t, we don’t even try. Why don’t we…fill in the blank?
My issue with this “regret” as defined above is this, “not the life others expected of me”. Expected of me implies we don’t have control. While yes, some of us face great pressures from Parents or loved ones to do things to make them happy, ultimately though, it is each of us that have control over our decisions. The problem is we let our fear of what others will think of us, or what we believe they may think of us, control our decisions. Often these fears are unfounded, they dwell in our mind only. But they can be powerful.
We must be in control of our expectations. Two things we should fear with regard to letting others set our expectations. First is that others cannot truly be in alignment with the goals we have for ourselves. The second and this is a severe threat and common impediment to achievement, the plague of low expectations.
Often those closes to us judges us for stepping out of our comfort zone and for trying to be our true self. They judge us for trying to better ourselves or for chasing what may appear to them to be a crazy dream. That judgement typically stems from low expectations they have for themselves. You see, rather than they try to be their best selves and possibly face failure, they would rather play it “safe” and not try. They can’t bare for you to succeed because that will lead to them questioning themselves, their values and their worth. They say misery loves company, well so does low expectations.
It has got to be painful to realize that not only have you not realized your dreams, you’ve never even chased after them, and your time is done.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
According to The Department of Labor, the average American spends 8.8 hours a day working. I know there are many of you that work ten or more hours a day. For many years now, I have worked nine to ten hours a day at a minimum and many Saturdays. I like many of you have a natural work ethic and a dive to get things done and get them done better than the average. But at what expense? Yes, this leads to promotion, maybe more money, but what this often leads to for many of us is more work. When you get more done, you work harder and smarter then the average, you get rewarded with more responsibility and more work.Where this really takes a toll is with your relationships, the most important relationships, with your spouse, your Children, your friends. While your knee deep in your work and making a living, you may not even recognize the price you are paying, the moments you have missed and the opportunities to create memories with those that are most important to you.
Think of it this way, we spend on average 9 hours at work, 30 minutes getting ready for work in the morning, 40 minutes each way in traffic, and average 7.5 hours of sleep a night. That’s an average of 18 hours and 20 minutes a day focusing on work or sleeping. Leaving 5 hours and 40 minutes of time left to make the meaningful connections in between, preparing for the next day, running errands, shopping, etc.
Obviously, we must make a living, we’ve got to create income to survive, pay bills, and support our families but at what cost. Isn’t there a way to work smarter? I’ve read multiple reports that all say that at least 52% of Americans are unsatisfied and or disengaged with their jobs. Personally, I’ve been there, it’s a terrible feeling getting up early, driving through rush hour traffic to a job you can’t stand.
I am not opposed to being type A personality at all, I am and always will have a strong work ethic. What I believe would be regrettable is working so hard at a job you don’t like. Waking up after forty years realizing you never chased your own dream? Regretting never taking a risk and chasing your own passions. I don’t believe working hard on your dream, something your passionate about would be regrettable. That’s not a job, that’s called a full and meaningful life.
3. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.
There was a popular song in the 80’s By Mike and The Mechanics called, Living years. It’s a story we’ve all heard, a Father and Son who can’t see eye to eye. They bicker and hold petty grudges, there’s a verse that goes like this; “So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It’s the bitterness that lasts”
The bitterness last until one day;
“I wasn’t there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn’t get to tell him
All the things I had to say”
That’s a regret. I wasn’t there the morning my father past away, or my brother, or a couple of my friends who passed away much to young. Your left with the empty feeling, did they really know how I felt about them. I wish I had one more chance to talk to them. Maybe you know this feeling?
How about letting your family know how much you love and care for them, Not only in words but in deeds. How about letting friends and coworkers know how much you appreciate and value them, consistently and genuinely.
If you truly made your best effort to consistently express how you feel about those important to you I don’t believe you have to have this regret. But too often we let trivial issues get the best of us. We allow our ego’s and pride rule and we can’t see clearly what we value most, usually until it’s too late.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Currently its easier than ever to stay in touch with old friends through social media platforms. The issue I have is that keeping up to date with friends through post and tweets is not the same as having meaningful relationships.Having a close circle of friends gives you a support group, a group that picks you up when you are down, guides you when you’ve lost your way, celebrates your victories with you, and stands with you when you lose, that’s a meaningful relationship.
While we all benefit by having friends that support us and have our backs, we too benefit by providing that same support to our friends. Supporting our friends in time of need give us a sense of meaning and significance. Sharing special moments of our lives, with empathy, enthusiasm, and trust with those we hold closest to us helps us live more confidently with a sense of fulfillment and we are happier.
There are many studies that report that people with a close nit core group of friends live a healthier, happier, and longer lives. I encourage you to reach out to your friends. Not just by clicking like on a post but hearing their voice and seeing their face, seeing their smile.
I don’t believe the regrets above are the fault of anyone else but ourselves. We make the decisions for our lives and we shape our decisions through our limited thinking. Take regret number one for example; I wish I would have had the courage to live true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I dint believe what others expect of us should be the driver of the decisions we make for ourselves, but unfortunately that’s how many of us make decisions. Let me show you how. Its not necessarily what others expect from us that drives our thinking, its what we think others will think of us that drives our decision-making process. We all have that little voice in our mind trying to protect us from being hurt, humiliated, or embarrassed. The problem with this is this self-limiting talk limits our ability to make decisions that are in line with our higher thinking. It limits our courage to step out of our limiting belief, our comfort zones and pursue what we really want to be and accomplish in our lives, but why?
Because once we finally realize or are honest with ourselves that we aren’t living our true selves or dream life most of us have already established our personalities and the lenses others see us through, we are well into our careers and changing who we are now, what we do, and how we do “life”, makes us vulnerable and open for questioning and ridicule, real or imagined.
For the most part the fear of being ridiculed and vulnerability are a product of our own limited thinking and are unfounded. For those who may snicker, ridicule, and mock us for making the decision and taking action to live life to our fullest, they are the weak. They are living their limited thinking, and you stepping out of that thinking with courage, is a direct challenge to them. You are challenging the comfort of their mediocrity.
Having said all that its tough to break out of that thinking. Its tough to open yourself up and be vulnerable. It takes real courage. Often we are just to comfortable keeping the status quo and not risking being vulnerable.
Its tough to truly be happy in all areas of your life if you aren’t living the life that you want, without chasing dreams that you dream. As for me I buried myself in work. I’m known to have a very strong work ethic. I work hard, I prepare, and I put in what ever time is needed to produce results. So, this is where I receive my perceived value and get a sense of validation, yet I am unfulfilled. You see working hard and being perceived as successful or an over achiever leaves me empty. Its an empty feeling because while I am producing I am not chasing my dream, I am not achieving my goals, and not relentlessly pursuing my passions. Do you know this feeling?
It would be a shame and a huge regret not to realize this until your days are done. As for me, I am making the change right here and now. Will you?
